I'm up late tonight. Mason has been going to bed around 8 and sleeping til anywhere from 2-4 am so I have been trying to follow 'sleep when the baby sleeps,' although like most things in motherhood I'm quite sure this doesn't apply to me. I'm more likely to not go to sleep until he wakes up in the early morning if truth were told. It's when the boys are asleep and the only sound is the ice machine in the fridge kicking on that my mind wanders back to where we have been.
There's so many people around me hurting right now. As I sit here in my own home, In my robe, with my glass of wine, my belly full, and my son sound asleep....and my heart aches for them. I once again begin to ask myself, 'why?' Why do things happen that hurt my loved ones and those who are genuine and undeserving of misery? I know better than to question my heavenly father. My own father has told me many times that 'His ways are not of this world', and that I have to remember that when I do not understand my circumstances.
I didn't attempt to lie in bed tonight, I knew my mind would just race and I wouldn't be able to sleep. So I'm here. Remembering what it's like to be in turmoil and torment.
I'll never forget the feeling of that first hotel room, so damp and stagnant, that Caleb and I stayed in overnight. I forced him to let me leave the hospital.... I knew he didn't want to leave Mason, but I had to clear my mind and get out of that place, for some sort of sanity. But watching my husband stand in the doorway of our hotel room, as it poured down rain that Sunday night, and stare at the NICU windows across the street is a memory forever ingrained in my mind. It was the first time I asked myself, 'why?'